Rip it Good

Tonight I wore my favorite ripped jeans. They make my bottom half look amazing.
Ben gave me the standard "you look pretty" as he left for his show. I could tell he wasn't even paying attention. I didn't look pretty, I looked fierce. I was not wearing a pink chiffon dress. I was wearing my favorite ripped jeans. Pretty, I was not.

I ran into a bunch of my High School friends at the show. Perfect. Weird, also, seeing as my hometown is over an hour away from here. Yet here we all centrally converged. My new blonde locks (I was a red-head in my former life) shocked most. Shocked me right out of their memory apparently.
Whatever. Yeah, I don't remember you either now that I think about it.

Afterwards, I was bored. All my friends went into the VIP lounge. I could not get in. Something about a red wrist band. Mine was yellow. Colorists.

Soooo, I very much so didn't want to stay after that point. Ben had been hanging out/sneaking in booze with his friends and tried valiantly to pretend he wanted to hang out with me for a while. He thinks he held my hand, but in reality he *dragged* me up the spiral walk-way and down the corridors, slowing only to rush me from the artists' booths that had caught my eye. I almost cried as I was looking at the blown glass ornaments and vases -- I picked one up and turned to spout about how beautiful I thought the colors were in this one vase, but Ben had already rushed to the end of the booth. I cringed knowing two things: Really Good Boyfriends want to know what you like. And Really Good Boyfriends are probably buying their girlfriends one of those vases (they were only $25, omg! I love local artists because of that). I realized that Ben isn't taking the time to get to know me. If I were to point that out (again), he'd get frustrated about it and begrudgingly try to find some way to feign interest in something of mine. I also realized that if I ever want anything, I'm going to be the only one to give it to me. In a way, I think that makes me a stronger person. I don't rely on anyone else to take care of me or pamper me -- for holidays I don't worry "oh, maybe I shouldn't get that yet, someone might have gotten it for me for my birthday", no worries, they haven't. I think also in a way it makes me a very lonely person.

Heidi, on a side note, deserves exception. She is the one person who listens, computes, analyzes and savors things that I say see and do. She knows how I feel about something by my facial expressions. She can tell if I really like it or am pretending to like it. She always buys me great thoughtful gifts. And every holiday I am anxiously horrified that I will get her something inappropriate or unthoughtful. She's such a genuine person. I'm glad I have her as a friend.

Oranje

Last night, I wore my favorite Burnt-Orange knit dress from Banana Republic. It's low-cut and makes my cleavage look perfectly proportionate -- at least from the view I have as I look down at myself. It makes me excited to meet new people. It makes me want to flirt with men who can never have me. I really feel like a sought-after prize, I love the looks I get, and the confidence I feel because I don't have to try; I've already got someone to go home with.

Today, I'm a little less optimistic, however. It's raining, and I never look good in the rain. There's so much over-clothing you have to wear -- boots, hat, jacket, SOCKS!, and then a big clunky umbrella. I tend to ditch all of that rug-a-maroo and brave it to and from my car, and I always end up paying. My hair doesn't look good in wet weather. If I had a cute plaid print hat and umbrella and some classy rubbers (boots!) I would probably be more excited about splashing through some puddles.

Success, however, was had today when I paid my bills and still had money left over! Oh the joy and how it fleetingly will last for only another 3 weeks when bills will come due again. But, today I feel empowered, in control, and strangely wishing that I could send a few bills of my own to some people to collect some kind of money owed. Hmmm.

I have an entrepreneurial spirit, and I've recently considered bolstering my talents for hire. I'd be a whizz at proof-reading a website, or writing some content-fillers for websites. I should look into it.

For now, nap and re-wardrobing.

I'm eager to write more, but I lack the time. Where does it go?! I've been spending a lot of time, and money, planning my upcoming trips. October is my favorite time of year. It's beautiful weather, colorful, and for more recent reasons - it's when I met Ben! So we get to take a short trip in October to celebrate our love for eachother. Last year we went to Chicago. This year we're taking a bit of a shorter trip, to Louisville. I know I know. It doesnt sound exciting, but we're going to see our favorite band Pinback (more than having a song that is ours, we have a whole band. Aren't we special?).
Plus, olde Louisville has a lot of historic charm, plus some great cultural things to check out during the day. We're going to a film fest, Oktoberfest, and a Historic Home Ghost Tour.
I'm really looking forward to it. This Month is busy and I need any alone time with Ben that I can get. My friend's getting married October 18, Ben has a multitude of shows, and I have a plethora of jobs to attend to, so not a lot of free time.
Oh, thanks for reminding me, I think I'm supposed to start school again Sept. 29 -- I better check on that.

I'm working on my second degree, and I haven't told many people what I'm getting a degree in. Mainly because I get discouraged by people's questions and quite frankly their encouragement -- I just want to do this 2nd degree a my own pace and figure it out myself. I'm not sure what I'm going to use it for or what good may come of it, but I'm deeply interested in it, so that's all I need to be satisfied.

Well, I'm off, to job #2! Later, Ben has a show at Oranje -- a music and art festival in a warehous -- it's the second year I've been, and it's such a good people-watching opportunity, I can't wait to see!

xoxo

Bi-Polar Relationship

My Mom has said I've been in this too long to back out.  I don't want to back out, but I like having my options open.  But at the same time, the reason I love being in love is not having to worry about the other "open options".

My relationship has bi-polar disease.

I wish I could blame it all on Him.  Technically, it's his fault that he won't obey me, follow my advice, jump when I say so, won't do This, does That too much.

But I really can't blame Him.  Not Seriously.  Every "problem", real or perceived, that I have with Him, it's actually a problem with Myself.  

Two years.  It's a long time for me.  I'm at a loss as to what comes next.  Will it be good or bad?  Is it up to me at all?  Is this one more thing I should try to control?  How can I have been so right about everything else in my life, but so possibly wrong about this?

It's hard to be honest with yourself. So at the most dire need of self-honesty, you'll probably notice that you tend to be more openly honest about what other people need.
"You really need to stop being lazy," you say to your boyfriend;
"Honestly, you're going to end up a cat lady if you don't start getting out soon," you say to your best friend;
"You ate HOW MANY cookies for breakfast?" you ask your nephew ---
When the whole time you know you need to be wearing these pearls of wisdom around your own fat lazy neck.
It's just too tight.
They fit a year ago. Man, what happened? And didn't I tell my friends to NEVER let me get this fat?! Damn friends.
There I go, blaming others again.
Yes, it's my fault. Even now, instead of writing this, I could be doing something about it. But this is what I resort to, that is why my fingers are so skinny.

I can't possibly be a fashionista. I've given up now. I must resort to Target's maternity section. They have some cute things! Seriously! I got this denim skirt - tight in the legs, stretchy in the belly - for only $4! I know, right?!

But it would be so nice to not have to wear a bra.